When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
