i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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