There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
