I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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