My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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