my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
