i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
