the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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