was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
