I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
