Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
