life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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