I hope mine doesn't look like that
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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