Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
