You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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