her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
