i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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