I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
