I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I AM VODKA MAN
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
