whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
