Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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