I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
