it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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