your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
