when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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