Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
