i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
