matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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