There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
