I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
