first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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