If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
