i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
