I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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