before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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