Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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