dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
