I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
