True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
