i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
