his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
