saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize