I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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