How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
