my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
