And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
