I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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