she looked like the before picture.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
