Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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