Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I think my moral compass just broke
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