i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I had to cum in my sink.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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