i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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