i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
