You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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