i just wanna soil my oats bro
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
