Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
