so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
