who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
so let's talk penis.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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