Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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