My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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