I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
